Drum Roll Please: D-Day


Day 1 of Detox, Same level of historical significance as the famous World War II battle… at least for February 2022 in my life. So of course, god forbid I keep this to just a close circle of trustworthy friends and myself. Nooooooooooo, I have to announce my detox to Him:












I’m sure his “friend” is a 25 year old girl who he recently had “porn star sex” with, because Him just loves porn star sex, so of course I’ve got those crazy thoughts in my head I have to turn off. And he doesn’t even care about me currently channeling Martha Stewart. Two weeks ago he asked about the “new place” when he called. It’s fine, I have teal curtains now.


















Now that I’ve wasted precious blog post space on Him that I’m sure I will cringe reading in the future, back to my detox and me. My last sip of alcohol was around 11pm on Feb. 20th, and I can say I made it through all of February 21st not just without having to go to the ICU like some other people, but I didn’t consume any booze. Mazel to me! Around 7-8pm, I really did want a cocktail. It was the Dark Side coming out of the closet again, somehow digging herself out of gaucho pants from my freshman year of college fat days of 2006. I texted my friend Leah (I’m sure she won’t mind a little internet publicity), and told her I wanted a drink.


Her response was, “Do not drink.” That sounded reasonable.


A few days earlier, after I googled things like, “Do I have a drinking problem?” and took quizzes which were obviously the equivalent to a clinical diagnosis, I talked to Leah. The conversation came up by accident when she relayed that she had blacked out the night before.


“I drink a lot,” I said.

“Yeah, but at least you’re not blacking out,” Leah pointed out. “Why, how much are you drinking?” she asked.


It was time for the truth to come out as words, not just a reality I attempted to bury away with the Dark Side.


“Um, every day,” I admitted.

“Well, like, how much every day?” Leah asked, without judgment.

“Uhh…” I counted in my head.


I thought back to the beginning of the pandemic, when I forced myself to wait until 2pm to have my first drink and pretty much kept a steady buzz until I went to sleep. It wasn’t like I had anywhere to be. I had improved since then, I now waited until 5pm to drink, except on Saturdays and Sundays, because they were both days of rest. But if I wanted to be honest with myself, which I really didn’t, but this is part of being in your 30s and growing the f*ck up, I hadn’t taken a day off of drinking probably since that time I had surgery in October 2020 when I donated a kidney to my mom. I know, I know, it’s wild, but that’s for a different time.


“I’m not really sure,” I finally answered.

“Are we talking 2-3, or like 5?”


Well, it did depend on the day. There was certainly a linear correlation between the level of my pissedoffness at the day and how much vodka I would consume. Oh yes, I really only drink vodka, because #calories, and I have carbophobia and I’m convinced a beer will give me a mushy stomach.


“It just depends,” I decided adamantly, and that ended the conversation.


FOLLOW-UP - 24 HOURS LATER


Ironically, on day 2, I was making plans with a guy whom I had met in May. We parted ways - him saying something about me being an awful human. He’s a native Floridian, so he can’t deal with us real (north) East Coast girls who aren’t afraid to say it like it is. We were going to hang out at the beach and he said, “We can get some wine and drink it on the beach.” Now, this is day two of my detoxification, so I’m in a pickle, as wine on the beach is not part of the detox agenda. “Well, I know you like to drink a lot,” he mentioned on the phone when we were solidifying said beach plans. I was sensing a recurring theme with the men in my life. They all seemed to think I drank a lot. You know what they (the internet) say about the universe sending the message multiple times.


Actually, I don’t really know because I just Googled “what does it mean when multiple people say the same thing about you” and I got a list of how to answer interview questions.

However, I do believe this: said people making the same comment regarding you might be onto something.


Side note: According to Google, a handle of Titos has about 1,700 calories. Once I read that nutrition label, taking a break from booze really seemed like a good idea.


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