Seventeen Years and… Still Single.

Updated: Oct 6

During recent calculations, as a now 35 year old (straight) female, I have been single for half of my life time. Sounds long, doesn’t it? Which some have called a red flag. Cough, Him, Cough.

<-------------- Me, apparently.

Don’t cry. I can’t prevent you from judging though. I judge me. Who the hell lets half a lifetime pass by without a single relationship? As much as I’d like to, I can’t count my three-six week shituationships as actual "relationships". I use the word shituationships (in my dictionary, it's a word) because they pretty much all ended like, well, shit.

I have an arsenal of reasons for this absence of substantial, romantic relationshits for every season I’ve encountered throughout my life.

High School: Ah, the golden years. There was at least one boyfriend per year. Two of them even said "I love you." All those presents, handholding and awkward sex came to a screeching halt at... the last boyfriend. I was 17 when it ended. Let’s call him Lou. Lou was quite the romantic. Sent a singing quartet to me at a breakfast diner on Valentine’s Day which mortified me but completely entertained my friends. Long story short, I developed a crazy eating disorder (I will write about that at some point) and Lou told me, "You're so skinny, you could eat cereal out of your cheekbones." Dysfunctional and toxic at 17? Ahhhh, no wonder why I am the way I am.

College (University of Pittsburgh - Main campus, k?)

Freshman Year: gained the freshman…. 45ish so I was tipping the scale at almost 170lbs... I'm not even 5'4". I just lie on my driver's license. Not looking good from a BMI (body mass index) perspective. So I wasn’t hot, never mind dateable. And whoever did want to date me, probably was still trying to grow facial hair or had a premature receding hairline.

Sophomore Year: Lost about 25 pounds- wahoo! Dateable, but for some reason everyone was just doing that whole college thing like skipping class and screwing in iconic academic buildings- for us, it was the Cathedral of Learning. Except me, I never got to mark my territory and I’m still bitter.

Junior Year: I studied abroad in the Spring semester so who the hell would start a relationship fall semester to just go halfway around the world for four months?

Senior Year: Well, we’re graduating this year, who the hell wants a relationship?

*Note: There were no suitors who wanted a relationship during these four blurry years. However, there were countless suitors. No, there's no list of them anywhere, I'd probably have to cut down more trees to make the paper necessary to write it all out.


Early 20s: I lived in Tel Aviv. They should have an academic course on dating Israelis. I really missed the boat on getting married in exchange for a green card. Could have been set for a life. But what do ya know at 23?

Mid 20s: I moved back to Pennsylvania. I did “date” one guy for four months, but he never wanted to make it official because he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He “dumped” me on my 25th birthday in the parking lot of a pizza place. Three days later, he was in a relationship with a girl who proclaimed her favorite shape was the triangle.

Late 20s: Escape to LA. Woof, was I in for it.

Age 28- THE Pandemic: I was the swipe queen with a plethora of heartbreaks. I bet I could win an award in the Guinness Book of World Records for most swipes, most ghostings, most first dates. Note: Look into that.

Present Day: You try dating during a pandemic. Okay fine, there are those love stories that some how surfaced with weirdos making out through masks. I'm not one of them.

Age 34 - now: Not sure which is worse. Dating in South Florida, or Southern California. Not to mention my collection of male Barbies including Him, OCD Oscar, and Psycho Gemini. There are a few other one-offs, but I’m sparing them. They’re just not worth ranting about. You know who you are. Even if you are a decorated military veteran with a d*ck thick as a coke can, I don't have it in me to rant about you here.

Couldn't even sit on the damn thing. Anyway...

I am aware these stories are all bullshit reasons and lame excuses.

Now I use the line when people ask the question, “Why has it been so long since your last relationship?”

I’ve developed this answer:

“The universe has yet to present me with the right person.”

So zen. You could even call it trendy. Whatever it is, I hope it momentarily turns the wheels inside the interrogator’s head and then convinces them to move on to the next topic, which is inevitably hobbies. Ugh, see how I feel about that.

Everything is a competition today, especially in the name of love. I haven't won, yet. But *Bestie* gave me a Rose Quartz crystal, which is known to bring love into your life, and open your heart chakra.

So maybe the answer lies within my Rose Quartz? Maybe not? All I know is I don't want to go to a psychic because... *petrified* of what she'd say. Maybe the answer is an arranged marriage? How do you all handle this love relationship stuff?

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