The Bumble Scandal

I’m banned from Bumble. I know. Here’s the story:

It was a casual March Monday where I decided that instead of doing that whole work thing, I’d take some time to check the chats with my matches and do some good ol’ swiping. I opened the Bumble app, and instead of automatically opening my profile, I was prompted to log in with either my Apple ID, Facebook Account, or phone number. Had I deleted my account somehow? Perplexed, I typed in my phone number. Now it wants me to enter a verification code. I know, I sound like my mother as I'm typing this.

I enter the verification code and this screen pops up:

Excuse you?

Immediately I looked up the customer service number for my former favorite dating platform. How could this happen? Maybe I only used the free version, but I had been a dedicated user since August 2015. That’s a long time. Bumble should be paying me at this point for being such a frequent customer. I deserved customer points at this point and instead they block me? Oh no.

I contained myself from writing a nasty-ish email and instead politely pointed out the fact I had never been blocked before, and had never even blocked anyone myself. I was a well behaved, hyper-swiping and engaging Bumbler. Hating to get in trouble, or even worse, banned from anything my generation thinks is cool, I huffed and puffed, thinking how ridiculous this was… but don’t worry, I didn’t blow the apartment down with a nasty email.

And this was my reward:

Excuse you?

That's how you treat a loyal user with over 6+ years of continual swiping?

Then the reality dawned on me. I remembered that on Super Bowl Sunday, my guy friend took my phone and (with my permission) messaged a bunch of random messages saying, “Send pic of your 8 inch cock.” He also messaged OCD Oscar and told him he needed to get checked for chlamydia. So… apparently a month later, someone got pissed off and reported me.


I forgot my version of innocent joking around could make me a convicted felon in the online dating society.

My dear friend offered to let me create a new account with her phone number (sooooo sneaky we are). Admittedly, I did ponder this.

Instead, you’ll be so proud of me - the Dark Side’s whispers were silenced by the golden Wise Mind’s introspection. I decided this was the work of the universe, telling me that maybe it’s time I focus on other things. Besides, I’ve pretty much already made OCD Oscar, Gemini Psycho, and especially Him famous… How many more can I add to the mix without confusing all of you? You = my three or four readers.

This doesn’t mean I’m going to completely abstain from potential dating. There is a slim chance I could find prospects in the wild. That is, whenever I actually venture into the wild...

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