Updated: Oct 6
Whitney Houston, your words ring true thirty years later. Time changes. Technology changes. Our lives are now run by mini computers that rarely leave our hands. We pay strangers to give us car rides. Going to the mall has been replaced by the e-commerce giant Jeff Bezos built, which I seem to fund single-handedly. The Dewey Decimal System has been erased and buried beneath library cobwebs as students find information at the tips of their fingers within seconds. You can even invest in a currency that has no tangibility.
But some things don’t change. We still eat our steaks medium-rare, keep up with the latest fashion trends no matter how ridiculous they are, and most importantly, pick our noses when no one is watching.
Sometimes we get a good old dose of chlamydia, the adult common cold. Whatever, nothing a few antibiotics can’t get rid of.
But no matter how hard we try, we still catch the worst of the STDs: feelings.
It’s one poisonous disease scientists have yet to find a cure for. Which is really quite a shame, as millions of women contract it each year. The effects are devastating: loss of sleep, decrease in work productivity, drastic increase in alcohol consumption, dashed with a side effect of promiscuity. Worst of all, heartbreak.
Since this disease probably affects more of the population than obesity does, it’s baffling as to why the medical community hasn’t addressed eradicating the FEELINGS. Oh sure, the virus named after a damn beer got plenty of attention, but do we address the disease where a vaccine is in dire need of? Oh no, that gets ignored. Thanks, Dr. Fauci, ya idiot.
Unfortunately, I have a weakened immune system and suffer from a high rate of catching the FEELINGS. Since there is no vaccine for it and Google seems to have no suitable answer as how to treat it, I am left vulnerable in the most gruesome of battlefields: dating. I don’t think I’ve even been equipped with a sword, nevermind a rifle.
Therefore, when the FEELINGS invade and capture me, they cast this spell on me where I’m disillusioned into thinking I’m in a situation where my male counterpart has also caught the FEELINGS (your counterpart can be female, binary, whatever, doesn’t matter).
As it turns out, he doesn’t. Immediately, the FEELINGS virus converts into a full blown case of heartbreak. When I gather the strength to walk away, I’m immediately sent away for recovery at Heartbreak Hotel. Since the medical community has yet to address the FEELINGS and heartbreak pandemic, we are sent to hotels. They’re hotels because you’re allowed to stay as long as you want, with as much booze and shitty movies available as you want. And the gift shop of snacks never closes. We’re not sent to hospitals, they only take insurance and don’t allow booze. Who wants to recover from heartbreak at a facility like that? Not me.
I’m currently sitting in Heartbreak Hotel. My hotel comes complete with vodka, delicious chasers, and all the ice-cream I need to get fat so that I don’t attract men anymore.
So I guess it’s kind of like a vaccine. The staff here knows me very well unfortunately. They ask me who infected me with the FEELINGS this time. I explain that I was blindsided by another narcissist. I’d write about him here, but to be honest, he’s so full of himself and has an ego larger than Africa that he doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of receiving publicity from me.
Wish me a speedy recovery, please.