Update: Meth-Pill Popper (Adderall People, Calm Down)

Please read this to get the full story if you haven’t already. As I write this, it’s Day 9 of not taking my favorite pill that’s apparently just prescription grade meth. I know this because of reading through about 1,000,000,000 Addiction Center sites and then some government sponsored page ranking stimulants in order by strength.




Timeline: Tuesday - Friday


You will see Monday is ignored because... #Monday, and we don't adult that 1/7 of the week, just not usually possible.


Somehow this past week, I kept it together for the most part. Meaning I was actually able to sit through #zoom meetings without wanting to absolute crumble and attend dinner at my parents' house playing the good old joyful and full of personality daughter.


And then yesterday, Saturday hit. Couch day. Beautiful weather, which won’t last long here in Florida because it’s a swamp state and turns into a swamp when everywhere else has glorious weather. So that was a waste. Sunday: couch day + booze.


Monday:


I told my therapist I’ve been a pill popper for what feels like forever. The fatigue and depression was so overwhelming I slept most of the day. My new client somehow wasn’t able to get the “funds” transferred in time for our agreed upon due date. So guess who has approximately a -$700 bank account balance? Meeeee. And I’m about to be 35 weeeeeeee.


Every time I opened my laptop to attempt to get work done, the emails stared at me in a haze of annoyance. I wanted to go exercise, I really did. But the fatigue and depression was so bad, I just surrendered. The only productive thing I did? I didn’t have any alcohol, even though I wanted a vodka cocktail more than anything to take the pain away. I keep searching for “Adderall withdrawal” on Google thinking one of the results from the addiction centers, the only organizations that seem to care about SEO and therefore monopolize the results, and nothing changes. The timelines are all the same.


Even when I narrowed down the search for 40mg per day Adderall withdrawal, I read the same crock of sh*t: “The withdrawal period depends on your dosage, how long you were ‘misusing,’ and ‘other psychological factors.” Okay, well isn’t that just fucking helpful? I know why they’re doing this. It’s so that I call and they lure me into their $1,000/day program. Sorry, not footing that bill.


If I had to finance that, I’d just go right back to popping amphetamines because how would a girl who’s 35 with -$700 to her name ever pay for a bunch of therapists to tell me to “dig deep” and “avoid triggers.” Oh sure, let me just practice mindfulness in a crowded bar, at a wedding, a concert, or on an airplane for crying out loud. I used to love popping maybe a little extra meth on the cross country flights from LA to the East coast, having a cheap $8 cocktail, or three, and just write. It was glorious.


I don’t even want to leave my apartment. The thought of stepping outside is too much. Plus, where am I going to go? Just drive around aimlessly? I don’t feel like going to the beach. I can’t go to any stores. I can’t even go to Publix until these funds clear.


It’s the emptiness that hurts the most. I’m struggling through fog with no headlights, no path making sense or showing me any signs of hope.


On top of it, my most lucrative client has yet to pay so, hence the -$700 bank account balances combined. That being said...


If Wells Fargo messages me ONE MORE TIME that my card has been declined, I’m going to do something very, very immature. Maybe take my anger out on a quart of chocolate ice-cream delivered by Uber Eats. Oh wait, I can’t. Too poor.


#adderall #adderallabuse #adderallwithdrawal

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