Why I Don’t Start Detoxes on Valentine’s Day and Other Stuff

Updated: Mar 13

When the Superbowl falls on a Sunday, it means the day after is Monday, when I should technically start my detox, however it is also coincidentally Valentine’s Day. This is a double edge sword for the two (obvious) reasons:

1. If you are in a romantic relationship, you will go out to dinner and inevitably drink, because it’s Valentine’s Day and you’re just so in love and on cloud 9. Unless your relationship sucks, in which case, that’s a you problem.

2. If you are single, you won’t go out to dinner for two and will inevitably drink, because it’s Valentine’s Day and you’re reminded of the fact you’re in your mid-30s and single. This is also a you problem.

I’ve been toying with the idea of doing a week-long (five day) cleanse. This means I will abstain from all forms of alcohol. However, being that Valentine’s Day is a Monday, I’m not starting my detox. You might think, “Well, then just start Tuesday, duh.” Sounds logical, but I’m not one to follow those kinds of rules. I follow mine. Which means everything starts on a Monday. Whoops, guess I’ll just have to wait until next week! So, along with a cocktail, I am trying to assemble furniture for my new patio. This is how it’s going:

Of course it came with a QR code to scan which directed me to a YouTube video posted giving live instructions. Given by whom? Someone whose English is their third language and goes so fast through the demonstration I can’t keep up. Plus the furniture pieces are dark brown so it’s not exactly easy to puzzle them all together. Honestly, there are several reasons to have a significant other, but specifically for me, it’s for having someone capable of doing these furniture assemblies or other difficult tasks such as changing light bulbs. Bonus if they enjoy said particular task. I’d even be happy if they spent our Valentine’s Day assembling my furniture, I mean they’ll be using it anyway. But nope, another Singletine’s Day for me.

I have had a Valentine twice in my life. Once when I was 14, a freshman in high school. My boyfriend bought me a teddy bear and a box of cherry filled milk chocolates. I do not like cherry flavored foods and I do not like milk chocolate, so fail.

The other Valentine I had was a decade later, when I was 24. It was our first date, and the guy, who’s not significant enough to nickname, took me to see this movie with Liam Neeson called The Grey. For those of you lucky enough to have missed the film, Liam Neeson fights a wolf for over 2 hours. By the time the movie finally ended, we both needed strong drinks. Everything went splendid from the drinks and forward for a few months, until he dumped me on my 25th birthday in June in the parking lot of a dive bar that was attached to a pizza place while I was wearing this hot red dress and heels getup. Needless to say, he was on my shit list for years. However, years later, he did apologize for his atrocity. I was drunk at my friend’s in Los Angeles, far far away from that pizza place, so I forgave him.

That being said, should I have a detox week? (five days, let’s not get wild)

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